1. No place like home. #cabinporn

    Tagged #cabinporn
     
  2. It really doesn’t get better than this. #ranch

    Tagged #ranch
     
  3. #emtime #ranch

    Tagged #emtime #ranch
     

  4. my whole life is one big decision

    I’m in Las Vegas and I don’t want to go back to Salt Lake.

    I’d almost rather drive back to LA. And just stay there. I’m so over the humdrum of Utah.

    Tagged #confession
     

  5. There’s nothing I can do. 

    Every thing I say is under suspicion. Nothing can be trusted. I can speak my deepest feelings to him and nothing lands without first being evaluated, assessed, cross-examined. There is no hope. I am helpless.

    Somehow this makes it easier. I don’t have to fix it, I just have to be me. Me under a microscope. Everything can be distorted, misinterpreted, out of context but it’s still me. The lens you look through changes everything. And this fish-eye lens he uses can be sinister and unfair… Maybe I attract these people in to my life to reflect back at me how I view myself. How I spent 22 years criticizing myself over every action. Guilt. Resentment. Paralysis. Boredom. Whenever attacked, I would get confused and retreat to my shell and hide from the libelous campaigns instead of standing for myself and declaring proudly who I am as a person in the face of the world. In the face of everyone. 

    In my head, it’s always so much more dramatic than the reality of it. I so badly want to make it about me me me me. But it’s not. It’s about him. 

    I’m realizing now this is my second chance. My second chance to really be bold. To stop hiding from failure, conflict, and upset. Giving up the need to keep things smooth and perfect. Life is messy because we’re humans and our huge brains can’t be stimulated long enough to stop making everything mean something significant. 

    I had seven years of mundane. Of the boat never rocking so far that the relationship was on the line. Of no threats to the relationships - and any fight I knew would work out in my favor. It was a great relationship. And, I gave up a lot of myself to be in that relationship. I gave up adventure. I gave up my fiery spirit. I gave up my passions, my eating habits, my schedule. I know he gave up things too. I am not an easy person to be with. 

    Now - I’m getting the exact opposite. For now. 

    Who knows. Who knows. Who knows. The future holds so many aspects of itself in a single moment. Fragmented visions/versions. I can’t do anything but be OK with the fact that this could end any second. Can’t pin down commitment on this one. Just have to be with where-ever he is with things right now and know that it’s not about me.

    Which makes me sad. Someday, he’ll heal and maybe he’ll give me a commitment. Maybe he’ll heal and he’ll find someone else and give them a commitment. No matter what - I know that it’s important that I see this relationship through. 

     
  6. #chicago #thedrakehotel

     

  7. you can skip this post

    I’m going to talk about some feelings. 

    I don’t know myself as someone who has a lot of feelings. I’ve been experiencing a lot of them recently.

    Ebullience. Melancholy. Anger. Hate. Anxiety. Love. Euphoria. Hope. Envy. Resentment. Fear.

    Sometimes it happens all at once and sometimes I ride waves of emotions for days. I don’t know what to make them mean or even how to deal with them.

    Sometimes I deal with sitting in my cocoon of anxiety and getting so wound up I snap at my awesome roommates about food. 

    Sometimes I deal by writing.

    Sometimes I deal by just letting the emotion be an emotion.

    And right now I can barely type because I am so overcome with feelings. 

     
  8. Joan performs “why am I in this less-than-constrictive cube?” for the denizens of Chicago

     
  9. Drunk Diner-ing #nookies #thisweddingisatravesty #whodoesntlikeanHJ #peterandbobby (at Nookies Tree)

     
  10. #groomsladies #whodoesntlikeanHJ #peterandbobby #thisweddingisatravesty (at Carnivale)

     
  11. #thisweddingisatravesty #whodoesntlikeanHJ #peterandbobby (at Carnivale)

     
  12. Joan discovers high fashion, and approves. #whodoesntlikeanHJ #peterandbobby (at The Drake Hotel)

     
  13. But where is the bride??? #peterandbobby #thisweddingisatravesty #whodoesntlikeanHJ (at Carnivale)

     
  14. #thisweddingisatravesty #whodoesntlikeanHJ #peterandbobby

     
  15. Pretending I’m a movie star in Chicago #whodoesntlikeanHJ #peterandbobby (at Lincoln Park Zoo)